She's right. I guess it is okay to be sad sometimes. People may find us weird if we always show our smiles even in the gloomiest situation. It is hard to imagine people like Charlyne Yi having emotional problem when she was young and now ended up as an actress/comedian. I guess it's not impossible to change, for the better of course. But today, social anxiety is what I am currently struggling. The feeling of self-discomfort. And just like Charlyne, everyday I challenge myself to overcome it. Good news is, there is a progress. Now I can say that I'm not alone anymore. (still single though, if that's what you're thinking). I started going out with my classmates, sharing different topics and all. So I say it did actually work. Though it's not actually like something to be proud of. Because I'm trying my best to fit in. That means, most of the time I am trying to be something I am not. But I think what's more important is, I am moving forward of becoming a fully mature human. These experiences are helping me gain my undeveloped mind.

Greatest lesson learned for now: Forget the rules, follow your heart.

P.S

Charlyne Yi by the way is one of the main character from the movie/documentary "PAPER HEART". Together with Micheal Cera. It was a great movie. And that's right, I added Charlyne on facebook and thank god it wasn't a fake account. :D

I TALKED TO THE MOON

There are certain times of my life where everything is great. Everything seems to be the way they're supposed to be. 

Everything, but not for me.

Sometimes, I think the world turn it's back on me. Like life is nothing more important than breathing. The world I knew that's full of humor is now gray and dull.

This is the time when I think about others. My little incentive, as they call it.

To think about people who don't even have the time to bother my kind of sadness because of hunger. People who have forgotten to smile just because they're too busy finding a decent home. There could be a lot of them out there who needs more than a smile. Children who lost their childhood just to keep living.

Thinking about them I realized, is my problem really that important? Am I gonna waste my time thinking about puny bastards in my head? 

No. It's time to grow up. I should be more concern to other people who needs me instead. But for now I still have to finish my responsibilities for my family. This incentive is really helpful that I came up with a thought you might find worth noting.

Follow your heart. Do what you think is right as long as you're not intentionally hurting anyone.

Take risk; it doesn't always gonna end up bad but rather surprising.

Don't think that problems are pests in your life; people might find you weird if you're always happy.

Take time helping other people; the world doesn't revolve around you, you know.

Dream every chance you get; luck never closes it's doors.

Be open to possibilities; a twist in your life could be exciting.

Learn to appreciate small things; it makes life more meaningful.

Be humble; not just because you're good at it, but because you don't want to disappoint people.

Be you; don't live behind the mask. 

And lastly.

Take time to be thankful to Him.

If life's a dish, He's the chef that cooks it to a perfect taste that suits us best. :)

Angel

As i was on my way inside the school, i saw a girl who's sitting on a waiting shed. She was so quiet that she heard all kinds of steps as random people passed her. But none of them saw her. Like a lost invisible soul waiting to be found. Despite this, i saw her smiled at me. Like problem is nowhere in her vocabulary. So i started walking towards her. But as i stepped closer, her face started to gloom. So i stopped. Maybe she finds me annoying so i went inside the school anyway.

Soon the class was over, and i was hoping to see the girl i just saw that morning. Excited, I went out of the school immediately. But she's already gone. Not a single trace of her was found. But wait, I noticed something was left. I went closer to the waiting shed where the mysterious girl sat. It was a big notebook. Like some sort of diary. I assumed it was the girl who owns it. Little did i know it may have belonged to someone else. But i kept it anyway, i put it on my bag and went home.

I wanted to know whats inside the notebook. Hoping to know more about it's owner. I opened the first page without hesitation. The title was "HER STORY". I do respect her privacy but there's something pushing me to read more. It's like my conscience told me to keep going. And so, i did. I turned the book to it's second page and..... "what the!!!" Startled of what i just read that i accidentally dropped the book.The story was about me. On how i started my life on this planet. I don't know what i felt at that moment. It's like i was flattered and greatly stupefy at the same time. Trying to take the edge off, i continued reading. And there i read my life. Like she was really here every moment i spent on my days and even nights. Through my ecstatic and despairing moments. The notebook was thick so i decided to stop reading. Later on i felt so worried about myself. It gave me the heebie-jeebies thinking that maybe someone's watching me that very evening. I let it rest. Maybe i was caught on a stupid limbo.

Another morning came. I went to school thinking everything was perfectly fine. But then again I saw the girl. That mysterious girl who sat on the waiting shed, alone. She smiled at me like she expected me to come. Without hesitation, I confronted her hoping that she would enlightened me. But she just told one simple thing.."You know me very well. You may not see me often, but trust me, i'm here. I know you have a lot of questions. Just live, and answers will find it's way to you."

After telling me that, I looked deep in her eyes. It's like iv'e known her all my life. It didn't felt awkward at all. Later on, she told that she has to go and she has to take her notebook. I asked her where she was heading but she refused to state specific place and just said she'll go somewhere near. I didn't want her to leave yet. There's so much thing i wanna ask. She told me that i should go because i'm already late for school. I forgot i had a class that time. I gave her the notebook, and I quickly ran inside the school, panicking that i might end up absent on my first subject. I took one last glance at her but when i looked back, she was gone.

As i enter my classroom quietly, i noticed they were only few of them inside. I asked my classmate if the class was over but he said "Eh? Class don't start till 8am and it's still 7:30...

Well that was a relief. But i remembered talking to that girl like for an hour. How's that possible?

Days have passed. Not a shadow of the mysterious girl showed.

Weeks... Im still hoping to see her.

Months.. My hopes are beginning to dissipate.

Years... I barely remembered her face. But my confusion was never gone. It's already tattooed in my past. After my time comes to an end, i'm hoping that i could read that notebook again. Something I wanna do before departing to the other side. My story, written by someone I am not quite sure who. Someone who knows me very well but.... i don't even know her name. I know she's here. So near that I can say anything to her and I know she hears it. Somewhere, watching me. Waiting for my next chapter to come.

Ghostly Poem

Once upon a time, there was you and me,

It started with a "hi" and then there was "we".

It was great, you and I, we were unexpectedly awesome,

We can't even tell where this feeling's coming from.

So we walked, we talked all day long,

We laughed, we sang our favorite song.

Each day was fun, there was never a problem,

Isn't it perfect?..this is really something.

But came one night, as i was walking in the dark,

Alone, in a cold gloomy street without a spark.

Young man in a corner hit me with a knife,

Bloody event that ruined my precious life.

Now I am nothing but a single memory,

Our adventure has now ended for you and me.

The life we thought that was priceless and perfect,

Has now come to an end from an unfortunate tragic.

Thank you for the time we've spent, you were a blessing,

And I'm sorry if I left, you don't deserve this ending.

Farewell for now, my time has arrived,

But I'm pretty sure dear we'll soon meet on the other side.

Something From Tumblr

Just this morning I saw a video on tumblr. A video of a girl describing herself. I find her inspiring, with her braveness telling her flaws and her negative aspects. Her description of herself was never far from mine. And since I just started this blog on April 2010, I might as well be open for my readers (if i have some :( )

So hello guys. I'm "Lady nonexistence".

Pretty much not like those average girls.

I have thousands of flaws.

A lot of people, yes a lot of them, have been accusing me that I'm gay. But the fact is, I'm not. They badly want me to have a boyfriend so that they'd stop accusing for such a thing. I don't like having one either. But I'm never close to possibilities. Anyway~

I don't wear heels, I wear glasses, and wearing skirts, tank tops or colorful make up is never on my list-to-do. It's senseless.

I listen to hardrock songs, alternative rock or even screamos, but i do listens to some RnB's, acoustics and pop just to keep me updated to the other world.

I am terribly AWKWARD. I only survive talking to someone for like 5 minutes, and after that, I'm completely blanked out. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not good at verbal communications.

I am not intelligent. Failing grades are my buddies. Nuff said.

My physical appearance is a disappointment. I don't have long shiny hair that other girls have. I am not even a size zero. Coz I eat a lot (and I don't see any problem with that). Beauty seemed to have turned it's back on me. But I don't care. It's not that I'm bragging or anything, but I do have some suitors.

But despite these flaws and negativity, I still got my friend/s.

No, maybe I just have one... two... or three but there's just there. (zero cheeziness)

And I'm thankful that I don't have any haters....yet. But maybe I do have some. Just stalking around and secretly planning something evil against me. 

But I hope not. I'm trying to be as approachable and less loner as I can possibly be.

With all these uninteresting characters, it's just made me more numb and stronger each day.

I don't need all the good stuffs just to make myself feel good. Even if sometimes it wakes my tears at night (no I am not fragile). I'm still me. And no one can change that except Him

No Time For Drama

It just kills me everytime I helped someone and they'll end up better.

This curse started when I was a kid. When my cousin asked my help by teaching her how to wear proper clothes. She didn't have much knowledge for fashion yet. And since I'm two years older, I did helped her, knowing it was a good thing to do. Few days later, her mom bought bunch of new clothes and some of them were EXACTLY like mine. I got upset. My mom wouldn't buy me numerous clothes for it's a waste of money. I don't have any choice but to forget it.

Years gone by. And my curse just kept on happening.

It's like living in a world full of jealousy and disappointments.

I know, I don't have to take this kind of stuff seriously. It's not like I own this kind of problem myself. But you can't blame me for such attitude i'm in to right now. Iv'e put a lot of effort on my words and shits but still it wasn't good enough. I need to find myself and see what i'm good at. I'm now 18 and I still don't know my worth. For those people who never encounter such pride-swallowing situation, you are fortunate. I envy you, A LOT.

Once again my self-reverence has drop down to it's worst level. And everytime this happens, my food consumption epically rises without thinking of the ugly outcome of my action. That's right, food. It's the only thing at the moment that keeps me away from misery. The more I tried, the more failures I get. Sometimes I thought of this as a reversed blessing. The absolution started when i was born, then now it's on its way to hell.

But now that I'm getting older each day, I have to set my mind to a mature level. It's time to end the drama and to cut this pride loose. Pour down all disappointments and I'm sure I'll be your one hell of a fan. I'm just saying. I think it's time to open myself to much greater opportunity. Gotta set aside old, pointless and unfinished thoughts. Now all I wanna do is to break free to the wilderness of judgments. So, FAIL ME ALL YOU WANT, and I'd welcome you with my deepest and sincerest piece of appreciation. :)

That is my new kitteh "kibs".I named him kibs because of his tail. As you can see, he doesn't have a tail. Cebuanos called it kibol. Anyway, he is my new best pet. I got him as my pet afterMelai (first best pet) died.

We spoil kibs a lot. Feed him 5 meals a day, feed him vitamins and let him sleep his ass out all day long.

I love this cat. Even if he annoys me everytime i'm studying. Like what he did on that picture(upper). I was studying for my statistics examination. Right after i put my stuffs on my bed, there, slept his ass over my things. And i love my cat for that.

But i still can't forget Melai. If i didn't found my first pet, i will never learn how to love cats.

Some people find me hard to understand. They think that i'm hard to manage and too fragile to handle. But on the other side, some of them find me funny, easy going, patient and best of all, a good listener.

But really am i?

Well, I cannot answer that question. Attitudes you see in me are my blind sides. I have nothing to disagree. Blind sides are the attitudes people see in you. Behaviors that you are not aware of. Some of it may be good things and some may be criticisms. You cannot change your blind side. But you can change what people thought of you. Here are some of my visible sides (attitudes i am aware of):

○I am very patient. *sarcastic smile*

○I am a lazy ass. ^_^

○Sarcasm is no where in my vocabulary (this i'm not sure)

○I love revenge.

○I always think i'm ugly.

○I get jealous easily. (and can get over it in a minute)

○I listen to people when they are talking even if it annoys me or i'm no mood for chit chat. (not all the time of course)

○I swear alot inside the house.

○I get easily disappointed.

○I'm quiet when i'm mad.

○I hate it when someone stares at me for more than a minute. (especially if it's a boy)

○But I love staring to other people, for hours. :D

○I stalk. (beware..)

and~....

Shoot, I forgot some of them.

And that's about it. A piece of myself, for you.

How about you? I would love to know more about YOU...yes you. :)